We often worry about why we cannot seem to find a partner who can love us, see us for who we are, and who would want to be with us for the rest of our lives.
Relationships can be complicated due to many factors. I have noticed when working with individuals in my practice many people have expectations of what love is based on what we are taught by society, what we see on television, in the movies, what we hear in song lyrics and what we fantasize the ideal relationship to be. But we are also unaware there are other significant factors that draw us into relationships. Factors that include early development influences and relationships that shaped who we are today. We subconsciously find ourselves searching for someone to fill that early development void that many of us carry with us in life. But in reality, we are the only ones who can fill that void and heal.
Attachment Patterns:
Attachment theory designates three main attachment patterns or ways in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in relationships. Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant.
Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. Anxious people crave intimacy, are usually worried or preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to be concerned with their partner’s ability to love them back. Avoidant people might experience intimacy as a loss of independence and often try to minimize closeness.
I am going to point out two of the attachment patterns I see most in people. In infancy, a child learns to relate to his/her caregiver based on the comfort and security received. Our individual attachment pattern has much to do with how we relate with others, particularly in romantic relationships. If we experienced inconsistency with our early attachment figures we tend to feel anxious and insecure about our partner in our present life. We fear they are going to leave us, and we are constantly testing that theory to make sure they will not. In many cases the one thing we are so afraid of does happen as our partners feel defeated and unable to meet our needs.
The flip side of that coin is secure attachment, where we experienced consistency in our early relationships with our caregivers. We trust ourselves, and we trust others. Even in adulthood when our relationships fail, although we feel sadness, deep down we know we are good enough and over time can accept the loss.
People often tell me they want to improve their communication skills with a goal of improving their personal relationships. Although communication issues certainly can negatively impact a relationship, I suggest to my patients that communication is just one component of the equation.
I encourage my patients to start from the beginning by building a healthy relationship with themselves. Many ask what I mean by that, as they often focus on their end-goal objective of safeguarding the love of their partner. During these sessions I wonder if they truly love themselves and, if so, what does that mean to them. And just as importantly, do they actually trust themselves. These are just some of the questions we explore in therapy to help individual gain new insight and understanding of themselves.
A key component in the work I do is helping my patients develop a sense of self-awareness, or ability to “check-in” with themselves. To start that process I encourage them to ask themselves how they feel when they are in the company of that other person. This is the first step in learning about and developing a healthy relationship with themselves, with a key component learning how to trust oneself.
Creating healthy relationships is never black and white and not as simple as following an established formula to get your partner to see you, love you, or believe in you. It begins with you first seeing, trusting, loving, caring, and fully knowing yourself.
When a person develops a healthy relationship with themselves, is it easier to create healthy relationships with others. Not just romantic relationships, but friendships, relationships with family members, your children, and even co-workers and supervisors. The way we treat ourselves is the way we teach others to treat us.
If you would like to explore more about yourself and learn your attachment style, talk to someone. An individual does not have to be in crisis to seek help. There is always an opportunity to learn about yourself, grow, heal, and transform while developing and practicing self-love, compassion, and kindness.
Dr. Cristina Gómez, Psy.D.